There is a woman who stands on the street corner at the entrance of our local Costco parking lot with a sign board for a mattress store.
She is my hero.
This woman, who I have nicknamed "Mattress Lady", takes her job seriously. And when I say seriously, I mean she gives her all to being a walking (dancing and swinging) billboard. She's out there on that corner all the time (no one else dares to try to fill Mattress Lady's shoes)--so much so, if we don't see her for a couple days we start to worry. She's working in hot weather and cold, sunshine and rain. She always has her headphones in and is dancing to the beat, swinging her sign board back and forth to the tune, with a smile on her face and waving to the cars as they go by.
I don't know what they're paying her, but I'm sure it's not enough because Mattress Lady rocks.
I have never seen anyone do what would seem to be a boring, un-fulfilling job with such enthusiasm. I really don't know how she does it--I can't even stand in line at Costco without feeling my life slipping away. Mattress Lady, a 60-ish woman in mom jeans, ball cap and tennis shoes, however, seems like she's auditioning for "American Idol."
There are a few other companies that pay people to hold sign boards just down the street from Mattress Lady's corner. There's the guy who dresses up like the Statue of Liberty during tax time, looking uncomfortable and embarrassed; the sullen 20-something that holds the guitar shaped sign for some pizza place; and the teenager with the sign for the local gun range, who is either texting or talking to her scraggly-looking friends the whole time. I couldn't even tell you the name of the companies they represent. They just don't have the joie de vivre, the je ne sais quoi, the toe-tappin', hip-swinging, work ethic that the Mattress Lady brings to her sign holding. Amateurs.
The Mattress Lady has become such a fixture in our community that she was invited to the high school's Homecoming Pep Assembly last year and one of my daughter's teachers dressed up with a sign board and head phones for Halloween. We recognize a true original when we see it.
Often times at that same corner, across the street, there is a young couple (late teens, early twenties) with a cardboard sign begging for money. They usually take turns standing there with the sign that claims they are living in their car and need money for food. Now, I don't know the real story behind this couple, maybe while one stands with the sign the other is out looking for work. Maybe there was abuse at home, maybe they have psychological issues that keep them form helping themselves. All I know is they picked the wrong corner to look helpless. There, right across the street, is a woman old enough to be their mother, busting her behind every day, giving all her energy and enthusiasm, while they ask for a hand out. I can't help but wonder what she thinks of them.
So all hail to the Mattress Lady, may your days be sunny and your sign board be light. Thank you for reminding me that any job can be fun, if you just have the right attitude...and some good music.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Friday, September 21, 2012
46 Things I've Learned by 47
Today is my 47th birthday and to celebrate I am going to share with you my vast array of (somewhat useless) knowledge. It may seem like a long list, but it's not particularly deep, so let's put your speed reading skills to the test and see what Kristin's learned:
1. You simply cannot rush a two-year-old.
2. You can believe only that which can be proved by science, or you can believe that miracles happen. (And I can tell you which one will make you happier.)
3. Only hit someone if you are willing to be hit back, with the knowledge that they may hit harder than you do.
4. Life without chocolate isn't worth living.
5. Dogs are messy, but kind of cool.
6. Do not expect your spouse to be perfect, because that's never going to happen. And they would be really annoying if they were.
7. On the seventh day God gave us coffee and it was good.
8. Everyone has a story to tell--sometimes you just have to ask the right questions.
9. Having children changes your life in ways you'd never imagine. Like spending too much money on sports equipment to spend your weekend sitting in the cold rain watching 10-years-olds chase a ball around...And think it was worth it.
10. Your parents really did try to do the best they could.
11. Sometimes being right is not the most important thing.
12. Truth really is stranger than fiction. (So much so, I sometimes prefer fiction.)
13. Always hang up on someone who tells you they're not trying to sell you something. (But always say "No, thank you" first--manners are important.)
14. Manners are important.
15. Babies are pretty amazing.
16. Dental hygiene is important...And cheaper than dental surgery.
17. Teachers should be the highest paid profession.
18. You are not as important as you think. But that's not necessarily a bad thing.
19. No matter how many mistakes you've both made, your mom loves you. A lot.
20. Once past the age of 9 your children will not be impressed by anything you do. Don't let it bother you.
21. After the age of 39 your children will realize you've done some pretty amazing things. Be ready to greet their admiration with humility.
22. If you find a man who thinks you're sexy in your sweats, marry him.
23. Laundry is a never ending cycle. (You get it? "Cycle"?)
24. You're really not as smart as you think you are--be prepared to keep learning.
25. 47-year-old women think they have it all together. They don't, they're just making it up as they go along, just like everyone else.
26. You really do get more bees with honey than vinegar.
27. Anyone who does not believe in God (or some other supreme being) when they look at a newborn just isn't paying attention.
28. The lighting in fitting rooms is just cruel and should have some sort of federal mandate to be more flattering.
29. 46 is a big number...Who's bright idea was this, anyway?
30. Life doesn't start making any sort of sense until your 30's. Do the best you can until then.
31. Reading really is fundamental. Everything is harder without good reading skills. Plus, loving to read means you'll never be bored.
32. Never have more children than you have car windows. (Thank you, Erma Bombeck!)
33. Either you can drive in the snow or you cannot. Find out which it is and act accordingly.
34. Children can sense your weaknesses, so it's best to confess them up front, i.e.: "I don't really know where plastic comes from and I'm scared of driving in the snow."
35. Don't bother lying about your age. Your appearance is what it is--attaching a lower number to it won't change anything.
36. Always try to listen to the other side of issue with an open mind. Even if it turns out to be bat-shit crazy, at least you'll know what you're dealing with.
37. Cleanliness is overrated. As long as your house is clean enough to ward off illness, the rest is just cosmetic.
38. Do not be afraid to say no--to your children, your spouse, your friends and family. Sometimes it should be all about you.
39. Get to know your neighbors. Again, even if they're crazy, this would be good information to have.
40. The world is a great big place with lots of different kind of people--get out into it whenever you can.
41. Mud puddles are underrated.
42. Celebrate occasions--your birthday, the 1st day of school, St Patrick's Day. The rest of the year can be business as usual, your birthday should be special.
43. Young children and old people are the most fun to hang out with. They have no hidden agenda, nothing to prove and just enjoy life as it comes. Spend some time with them whenever possible.
44. Politicians come and go. You really should keep friends and family around for more than four years.
45. Pretty much anything in life can be funny, if you look at it just right...and squint your eyes and tilt your head just so...(See there? It's funny, isn't it?)
46. List of things learned are overrated. I'm just making this stuff up.
Phew! We all made it! You did read all of them, didn't you? Don't skip #20 or #33, they're important! That's okay, I'll wait while you go back.................................................................
Alright, thanks for getting through them all with me. We'll just have to wait and see what year #47 teaches me. (I hope it's not calculus.)
1. You simply cannot rush a two-year-old.
2. You can believe only that which can be proved by science, or you can believe that miracles happen. (And I can tell you which one will make you happier.)
3. Only hit someone if you are willing to be hit back, with the knowledge that they may hit harder than you do.
4. Life without chocolate isn't worth living.
5. Dogs are messy, but kind of cool.
6. Do not expect your spouse to be perfect, because that's never going to happen. And they would be really annoying if they were.
7. On the seventh day God gave us coffee and it was good.
8. Everyone has a story to tell--sometimes you just have to ask the right questions.
9. Having children changes your life in ways you'd never imagine. Like spending too much money on sports equipment to spend your weekend sitting in the cold rain watching 10-years-olds chase a ball around...And think it was worth it.
10. Your parents really did try to do the best they could.
11. Sometimes being right is not the most important thing.
12. Truth really is stranger than fiction. (So much so, I sometimes prefer fiction.)
13. Always hang up on someone who tells you they're not trying to sell you something. (But always say "No, thank you" first--manners are important.)
14. Manners are important.
15. Babies are pretty amazing.
16. Dental hygiene is important...And cheaper than dental surgery.
17. Teachers should be the highest paid profession.
18. You are not as important as you think. But that's not necessarily a bad thing.
19. No matter how many mistakes you've both made, your mom loves you. A lot.
20. Once past the age of 9 your children will not be impressed by anything you do. Don't let it bother you.
21. After the age of 39 your children will realize you've done some pretty amazing things. Be ready to greet their admiration with humility.
22. If you find a man who thinks you're sexy in your sweats, marry him.
23. Laundry is a never ending cycle. (You get it? "Cycle"?)
24. You're really not as smart as you think you are--be prepared to keep learning.
25. 47-year-old women think they have it all together. They don't, they're just making it up as they go along, just like everyone else.
26. You really do get more bees with honey than vinegar.
27. Anyone who does not believe in God (or some other supreme being) when they look at a newborn just isn't paying attention.
28. The lighting in fitting rooms is just cruel and should have some sort of federal mandate to be more flattering.
29. 46 is a big number...Who's bright idea was this, anyway?
30. Life doesn't start making any sort of sense until your 30's. Do the best you can until then.
31. Reading really is fundamental. Everything is harder without good reading skills. Plus, loving to read means you'll never be bored.
32. Never have more children than you have car windows. (Thank you, Erma Bombeck!)
33. Either you can drive in the snow or you cannot. Find out which it is and act accordingly.
34. Children can sense your weaknesses, so it's best to confess them up front, i.e.: "I don't really know where plastic comes from and I'm scared of driving in the snow."
35. Don't bother lying about your age. Your appearance is what it is--attaching a lower number to it won't change anything.
36. Always try to listen to the other side of issue with an open mind. Even if it turns out to be bat-shit crazy, at least you'll know what you're dealing with.
37. Cleanliness is overrated. As long as your house is clean enough to ward off illness, the rest is just cosmetic.
38. Do not be afraid to say no--to your children, your spouse, your friends and family. Sometimes it should be all about you.
39. Get to know your neighbors. Again, even if they're crazy, this would be good information to have.
40. The world is a great big place with lots of different kind of people--get out into it whenever you can.
41. Mud puddles are underrated.
42. Celebrate occasions--your birthday, the 1st day of school, St Patrick's Day. The rest of the year can be business as usual, your birthday should be special.
43. Young children and old people are the most fun to hang out with. They have no hidden agenda, nothing to prove and just enjoy life as it comes. Spend some time with them whenever possible.
44. Politicians come and go. You really should keep friends and family around for more than four years.
45. Pretty much anything in life can be funny, if you look at it just right...and squint your eyes and tilt your head just so...(See there? It's funny, isn't it?)
46. List of things learned are overrated. I'm just making this stuff up.
Phew! We all made it! You did read all of them, didn't you? Don't skip #20 or #33, they're important! That's okay, I'll wait while you go back.................................................................
Alright, thanks for getting through them all with me. We'll just have to wait and see what year #47 teaches me. (I hope it's not calculus.)
Monday, August 27, 2012
Dreaming in Numbers
Last week I had a dream I was back in high school math (did I say dream? I meant nightmare), only I was married to my husband, Ed, who was in the class with me. The teacher was my daughter Olivia's 4th grade teacher and she wanted me to finish some big math project before the end of the class (even though I'd been out of the room most of the day--probably making copies for her). I didn't want to do this project because it was one of those that had lots of steps and are supposed to help you learn the basics (even though you may already understand it).
I tried to tell the teacher I didn't have all the stuff I needed to finish the project, hoping she'd let me just skip it ('cause it was high school math, and I'm grown up and married, and she's my daughter's 4th grade teacher who I had done a lot of volunteer work for, including cutting out 600 paper apples with the die cut machine). Instead she said "That's okay, all the markers and counters are over there so you can finish".Sigh.
I really didn't want to do this project, as I'd already passed both 4th grade math and high school math. It was going to take too long and it was almost the end of the day and end of the school year. And Ed was already done. (If you're married in high school, can you just do one set of homework? Washington is a community property state, after all.)
It was at this point that I started waking up. I was still in that half-conscious zone, where if it had been a real nightmare I'd still be freaked out and my heart would be pounding. But instead the solution to my math problem came to me (as if in a dream, or half out of a dream): multiplication! All I had to do was multiply the numbers to solve the problem and then I'd be done with it!I'd forgotten about this dream until I ran into Olivia's teacher yesterday at the store and told her about my dream, much to Olivia's embarrassment.
And what message should I take from this dream? If you're a grown up you get to skip a lot of the boring steps? Math isn't fun? Or multiplication will save your ass every time.
(I'd like to dedicate this dream to John Scieszka's Math Curse, which perfectly describes my relationship to all things numeral .)
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
An Ounce of Prevention
Lady parts are back in the headlines again, their magical properties, proper manners and property rights. Pro Life and Pro Choice can be argued endlessly and never agreed upon by more than two people on any given day, much less the days leading up to a presidential election.
I know a thing or two about Lady Parts, having been a proud owner these many years. I have used my magic for both good and evil and have a little something to say on the matter.
When it comes down to Right to Choose versus Anti-Abortion, there are more than two sides to the debate. Everyone has a story, a different set of circumstances and none of it is black and white. Here I am, an educated middle-class woman with a liberal democrat ideology and a host of friends who say we must have the right to choose.
But what if we don't get to choose?
Once upon a time, I was a happily married mother of one, planning to add to our family with another bundle of joy. I saw my doctor, I took the vitamins, I peed on the stick. Happy, happy, joy, joy--it was positive, I was pregnant. Then at eight weeks I began bleeding and miscarried. To me this was a child I'd lost. A planned for, dreamed about, wanted baby. At eight weeks, with no heart beat and no chance of survival, this was still a child. I cried, I grieved, I blamed myself. Eventually I went on to produce two more healthy children, but my miscarriage has colored how I view this issue.
Can I say that it's okay to abort a fetus at eight weeks because it feels no pain, has no mental cognition, no finger prints, no rights? I think of the child I lost and cannot say for sure, cannot know when life really begins or even when it ends. That is my set of circumstances, my opinion, my personal feelings.
On the other hand, the thought of someone as out of touch with what goes on in my uterus as Todd Akin telling me what I can and cannot do with that magical organ makes my blood boil. This is not the price of gas, the rules of the road, or Roberts Rules of Order. This is my life, my uterus and my own damn business.
I choose to believe the Anti-Abortion groups really think they are preserving innocent lives when they picket Planned Parenthood and try to pass broad legislation on reproductive rights. I may be giving some of them more credit than they deserve, but I think of the child I might have had and realize they might not be able to see past the word "baby," either.
The male politicians with a limited understanding of basic human biology, the teenage girl who feels betrayed and trapped by her own body, the Christian groups who feel it is their divine duty to protect us from ourselves and the mother who can't afford another mouth to feed will never agree. Too many different view points, backgrounds and circumstances. Doctors can study it until the end of time and still not be able to pinpoint when life begins and a cluster of cells becomes a human being. It seems this is one of those things only God can know--when we reach those pearly gates and He explains it all to us, it will all seem so obvious--but for now perhaps it's time to let it go. Give this decision making process over to the woman, her doctor and her god.
Yet, there are still unwanted, ill-timed and dangerous pregnancies occurring. Perhaps we're all going at this argument from the wrong end. Maybe instead of fighting over what to do or not to do about unwanted pregnancies, we could put that energy into helping women prevent these pregnancies to begin with. Support Planned Parenthood instead of bombing it, help those women find decent jobs and reliable child care instead of hurling insults at them. And, yes, there is still the birth control issue to get through--who pays for it, who can use it, is my church-run hospital legally obligated to provide it--but think about how much time and money has been put into the abortion debate. Divide this number by 100 and we could still have this problem solved before Todd Akin concedes the senate race.
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
I know a thing or two about Lady Parts, having been a proud owner these many years. I have used my magic for both good and evil and have a little something to say on the matter.
When it comes down to Right to Choose versus Anti-Abortion, there are more than two sides to the debate. Everyone has a story, a different set of circumstances and none of it is black and white. Here I am, an educated middle-class woman with a liberal democrat ideology and a host of friends who say we must have the right to choose.
But what if we don't get to choose?
Once upon a time, I was a happily married mother of one, planning to add to our family with another bundle of joy. I saw my doctor, I took the vitamins, I peed on the stick. Happy, happy, joy, joy--it was positive, I was pregnant. Then at eight weeks I began bleeding and miscarried. To me this was a child I'd lost. A planned for, dreamed about, wanted baby. At eight weeks, with no heart beat and no chance of survival, this was still a child. I cried, I grieved, I blamed myself. Eventually I went on to produce two more healthy children, but my miscarriage has colored how I view this issue.
Can I say that it's okay to abort a fetus at eight weeks because it feels no pain, has no mental cognition, no finger prints, no rights? I think of the child I lost and cannot say for sure, cannot know when life really begins or even when it ends. That is my set of circumstances, my opinion, my personal feelings.
On the other hand, the thought of someone as out of touch with what goes on in my uterus as Todd Akin telling me what I can and cannot do with that magical organ makes my blood boil. This is not the price of gas, the rules of the road, or Roberts Rules of Order. This is my life, my uterus and my own damn business.
I choose to believe the Anti-Abortion groups really think they are preserving innocent lives when they picket Planned Parenthood and try to pass broad legislation on reproductive rights. I may be giving some of them more credit than they deserve, but I think of the child I might have had and realize they might not be able to see past the word "baby," either.
The male politicians with a limited understanding of basic human biology, the teenage girl who feels betrayed and trapped by her own body, the Christian groups who feel it is their divine duty to protect us from ourselves and the mother who can't afford another mouth to feed will never agree. Too many different view points, backgrounds and circumstances. Doctors can study it until the end of time and still not be able to pinpoint when life begins and a cluster of cells becomes a human being. It seems this is one of those things only God can know--when we reach those pearly gates and He explains it all to us, it will all seem so obvious--but for now perhaps it's time to let it go. Give this decision making process over to the woman, her doctor and her god.
Yet, there are still unwanted, ill-timed and dangerous pregnancies occurring. Perhaps we're all going at this argument from the wrong end. Maybe instead of fighting over what to do or not to do about unwanted pregnancies, we could put that energy into helping women prevent these pregnancies to begin with. Support Planned Parenthood instead of bombing it, help those women find decent jobs and reliable child care instead of hurling insults at them. And, yes, there is still the birth control issue to get through--who pays for it, who can use it, is my church-run hospital legally obligated to provide it--but think about how much time and money has been put into the abortion debate. Divide this number by 100 and we could still have this problem solved before Todd Akin concedes the senate race.
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
Friday, August 10, 2012
Post Apocalyptic Soccer Mom
It recently occurred to me that with my husband coaching our middle child's team, our oldest with a new driver's license and our youngest turning in her cleats, I could go this entire soccer season with out attending a single practice. For those of you who have not experienced youth sports, you may not realize the significance of this. (And I'm sure there are a few die-hard team parents out there who would think this bad thing--how can I connect with my child without team sports?) And while it may be the end of an era, please consider this: while you're watching your kid do drills in the rain, after a long day at work, and having grabbed some greasy fast food for dinner, I will be at home, in a quiet house, enjoying a hot dinner and maybe a TV show. I will have my life back, if only temporarily. I have had a kid in team sports for ten years now, with nine years of soccer, and five of those years I had all three kids in soccer.
Consider this word problem: Kristin has three kids playing soccer and their practices are all on the same nights, at two separate fields and three different times. Kristin must feed all three children before she leaves the house. Her husband often isn't done working until one hour after the first practice starts. How far into soccer season before Kristin loses her sanity?
Whatever will I do with all this free time on my hands? I feel like the lady on the Swiffer commercial who suddenly has time to read, now that she has the special duster (except, of course, I don't dust). Then I realized there might be a niche for a professional soccer mom. I could take your kid to practice, making sure he remembers his shin guards, be in charge of the snack schedule, provide an endless supply of clean soccer socks and keep track of where the next game is. Meanwhile, you can be relaxing at home, unwinding with a nice glass of wine. (This has always been my gripe with my kids' extra curricular activities--no adult beverages with dinner, as drunken soccer moms are frowned upon.)
I must confess I have already broken my Zero Tolerance on Practices. My daughter had her first practice of the season and I came by for the second half of practice (after having taking the youngest to swimming lessons--so much for my adult beverage with dinner). I wanted to see who was on the team this year and visit with the other parents. I suppose there will be a few more practices that my husband can't make it to on time and I will be called back into duty, but this reminds me that someday I will not need soccer balls and extra shin pads in the back of my stinky minivan. One day I really will have my life back and then what will I do?
I will be enjoying an adult beverage with my dinner and reading my book in peace.
Consider this word problem: Kristin has three kids playing soccer and their practices are all on the same nights, at two separate fields and three different times. Kristin must feed all three children before she leaves the house. Her husband often isn't done working until one hour after the first practice starts. How far into soccer season before Kristin loses her sanity?
Whatever will I do with all this free time on my hands? I feel like the lady on the Swiffer commercial who suddenly has time to read, now that she has the special duster (except, of course, I don't dust). Then I realized there might be a niche for a professional soccer mom. I could take your kid to practice, making sure he remembers his shin guards, be in charge of the snack schedule, provide an endless supply of clean soccer socks and keep track of where the next game is. Meanwhile, you can be relaxing at home, unwinding with a nice glass of wine. (This has always been my gripe with my kids' extra curricular activities--no adult beverages with dinner, as drunken soccer moms are frowned upon.)
I must confess I have already broken my Zero Tolerance on Practices. My daughter had her first practice of the season and I came by for the second half of practice (after having taking the youngest to swimming lessons--so much for my adult beverage with dinner). I wanted to see who was on the team this year and visit with the other parents. I suppose there will be a few more practices that my husband can't make it to on time and I will be called back into duty, but this reminds me that someday I will not need soccer balls and extra shin pads in the back of my stinky minivan. One day I really will have my life back and then what will I do?
I will be enjoying an adult beverage with my dinner and reading my book in peace.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Vampires in the Basement
 |
| Lon Chaney as the Phantom |
Last night I had a dream that we had a vampire living in our basement. (We, of course, do not have a basement, but apparently the sleeping mind is not concerned with details.) This was not the Twilight/Robert Pattinson type vampire, but more of the old school, Lon Chaney variety (think Phantom of the Opera). I believe he even appeared in black and white, while the rest of the dream was in glorious technicolor.
 |
| He's so dreamy..;) |
Next our vampire tenant invited his family over to hang out--his parents and grandparents were bats, naturally. "Great", I thought, "now we have bats in the basement. At least they won't be hogging the bathroom."
I awoke from this dream to the realization that I had a very full bladder. Evidently this long and slightly weird dream was my body's way of telling me to get up and go pee.
As I thought about this dream later, I wondered if I could fit it all into a Facebook post, but decided a quick blog was needed to do it justice. After all, a subconscious mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Too Good to Be True
I haven't written anything in quite awhile, but every time I think I should sit down and whip out something, I grow very sleepy. Too many early mornings and not enough napping seem to be zapping my creative energy. Maybe that's it, I thought. Maybe I don't have anything else to say.
But then, as if answering my cries in the wilderness (of unincorporated Snohomish county), God bequeathed unto me the miracle I'd been waiting for--infomercials.
My husband has been leaving the house by 5:30, and being the good little wifey, I've been rising early with him (that and the dogs bark incessantly after he leaves). With nothing much to do that early (I learned the hard way that my brain is not capable of work before 7am), I turn on the TV, but all that's on are infomercials . Every time I tune into one I start out skeptical-- I don't care which aging star you hire to hawk your exercise program, I'm not buying. (Is Chuck Norris really still alive/!) But there's nothing else on so I sometimes pause and watch a few extra minutes--and that's when they reel me in. Cindy Crawford says the secret beautiful skin is melons grown in an undisclosed location in the south of France! Maybe I can have rock hard abs and make a $100,000 a year from the privacy of my own home! At first they seem all smarmy, but after 10 minutes I'm a believer. How does this happen?
The Contour Ab Belt is a product that seems beyond ridiculous, like something you'd order from the back of a comic book (along with your xray glasses). This is a belt you wear around your midsection that sends electrical impulses through your muscles, thereby working your abdominal muscles for you. The pulsating belt will give me six-pack abs while I watch TV, iron, or stroll on the beach. I noticed the fine print as it quickly flashed across the bottom of the screen, in print too minuscule for the human eye (luckily mine are bionic, or I have reading glasses...whatever). In order to reach the results seen on TV, I would need to eat right and exercise. Hold the phone--I thought this was the answer to my prayers! I want to get in rock hard shape without all the fuss and muss, all for a $14.95, 30 day trial. (I noticed they never said what you pay after the 30 days--or I became too disillusioned before they got to that part.) If I can't trust the Contour Ab Belt, who can I trust?!
The 6 Week Body Makeover promises to let you re-sculpt your body--all you have to do is draw a picture of the body you want over the body you have and you too can achieve your dreams. (Mine would include long thin legs and a curvaceous bust line) At first I thought this was just another crazy weight loss scheme, but this one actually seems sensible. You eat regular food and you exercise, all according to the personalized plan they sell you for six easy payments of $19.95. I listened to the many testimonials from satisfies customers, but was disappointed by the disclaimer: "Your results will vary depending on compliance, starting weight and other factors." Other factors? Such as the phase of the moon or whether you break up with your boyfriend in those six weeks? I can have my results vary for free, thank you very much.
My favorite by far is the Psychic Source. Now I have nothing against psychics--while not a true believer, you only have to watch "Long Island Medium" to lose your skepticism. Of course there is the problem of doing a psychic reading over the phone--what if I have static on my line? Will they misread me and recommend the wrong lottery numbers? This particular company promotes many types of services, from Pet Psychic ("Now hold the phone up to Fluffy's ear") to Lost Objects ("Madam Fortenza, where did I leave my keys?"). And your first call is only $10 for the first 10 minutes! Then they flashed the disclaimer and broke my little psychic heart: "Readings are for entertainment only." Man, disappointed again!
In the interest of full disclosure, I will admit to once ordering something from an infomercial. It was a Pilate's DVD that came with some sort of exercise hoop. Unfortunately the DVD did not show any exercise routines, but only what I could look forward to if I ordered the rest of the DVD set. And they never told me what I supposed to do with that stupid hoop.
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