Headlines

While scanning the online news I begin to think the writers are either National Enquirer alumni or Masters of the Obvious.  I realize the headlines for internet news sources are over exaggerated to pull you in, but sometimes they have very little to do with the actual story.  The following are some of those that caught my eye, the weird and the wonderful, the obvious and the obnoxious.


The Most Common Running Injuries And How To Avoid Them 

Well, I thought, walk.  And avoid scissors.


Kim Kardashian: I've Learned to Appreciate My Private Life 

My first thought on seeing this was:  so have millions of men on the internet, late at night, with only one hand on the keyboard.  Kim has been taking a beating lately for things she's said while being followed around day and night by a TV camera.  Apparently she announced that "Indian food is disgusting."  If you or I said this, in the circle of our friends, most would just think we don't like Indian food.  Kim announcing it on national TV was like declaring war on anyone of Indian heritage.  It was the foot-in-mouth moment we've all experienced, but then we're not being paid millions of dollars to be followed around by a TV camera.  (Wait, we're not are we?)


Gun Range Offers Children's Birthday Parties

Hmm, it beats Chuckie Cheese.


Turbulent Tykes Torture Other Travelers 

Okay, I would not have gone with the painfully awkward alliteration.   ("Weary Writer Wrings Words from Week-old Tale of Whiny Whippersnapper")  A child and his father were asked to leave a plane before take off because the child wouldn't sit in the seat belt.  This writer's solution?  Kid-free flights.  Apparently said-writer was never a child herself (or has ever had  the pleasure of traveling to Las Vegas with a bachlorette party or a group of 20-something "men" hoping to get lucky).


Star Refused to Shave Legs as a Kid

WTH???  It was Kristen Stewart and she was 13.  How is this interesting to anyone who is not a complete stalker?  But then I wondered if the real reason Bella didn't marry Jacob is because she's his long-lost werewolf sister.  Then I realize I've spent way too much time thinking about this.


10 Simple Ways to Lighten Up and Let Life Flow

AOL's Health News always has an article like this:  "5 Ways to Be Happier at Work," "Ten Easy Steps to Make Love Last, "3 Things That No One Is Interested In Reading About."  Number 10 in the actual article is  "Smile at strangers."  Umm...?!?  Smiling at strangers will undoubtedly lead to a creeper following you home, in which case you will probably not lighten up.


400,000 Toothpicks Stolen

Why would someone want 400,000 toothpicks?  I tried googling "what to do with toothpicks" and none of the listings had any more than 5 ideas (and that still leaves you with like 399, 995 toothpicks).  One use was plugging a hole in a garden hose--not very imaginative if you ask me.  Turns out this was an inside job--at the toothpick factory (?!?)--and the guy was selling them at a flea market.  Also not very imaginative (and I can't think very lucrative, unless of course you're in the martini business).


I know I spend way too much time thinking about this stuff (so you don't have to!), but I am amazed by what passes for news (or news-like articles).  A couple of these were taken from the "Weird News" listings, but most were just regular news stories.  As they say, you just can't make this shit up.