Today is my 47th birthday and to celebrate I am going to share with you my vast array of (somewhat useless) knowledge. It may seem like a long list, but it's not particularly deep, so let's put your speed reading skills to the test and see what Kristin's learned:
1. You simply cannot rush a two-year-old.
2. You can believe only that which can be proved by science, or you can believe that miracles happen. (And I can tell you which one will make you happier.)
3. Only hit someone if you are willing to be hit back, with the knowledge that they may hit harder than you do.
4. Life without chocolate isn't worth living.
5. Dogs are messy, but kind of cool.
6. Do not expect your spouse to be perfect, because that's never going to happen. And they would be really annoying if they were.
7. On the seventh day God gave us coffee and it was good.
8. Everyone has a story to tell--sometimes you just have to ask the right questions.
9. Having children changes your life in ways you'd never imagine. Like spending too much money on sports equipment to spend your weekend sitting in the cold rain watching 10-years-olds chase a ball around...And think it was worth it.
10. Your parents really did try to do the best they could.
11. Sometimes being right is not the most important thing.
12. Truth really is stranger than fiction. (So much so, I sometimes prefer fiction.)
13. Always hang up on someone who tells you they're not trying to sell you something. (But always say "No, thank you" first--manners are important.)
14. Manners are important.
15. Babies are pretty amazing.
16. Dental hygiene is important...And cheaper than dental surgery.
17. Teachers should be the highest paid profession.
18. You are not as important as you think. But that's not necessarily a bad thing.
19. No matter how many mistakes you've both made, your mom loves you. A lot.
20. Once past the age of 9 your children will not be impressed by anything you do. Don't let it bother you.
21. After the age of 39 your children will realize you've done some pretty amazing things. Be ready to greet their admiration with humility.
22. If you find a man who thinks you're sexy in your sweats, marry him.
23. Laundry is a never ending cycle. (You get it? "Cycle"?)
24. You're really not as smart as you think you are--be prepared to keep learning.
25. 47-year-old women think they have it all together. They don't, they're just making it up as they go along, just like everyone else.
26. You really do get more bees with honey than vinegar.
27. Anyone who does not believe in God (or some other supreme being) when they look at a newborn just isn't paying attention.
28. The lighting in fitting rooms is just cruel and should have some sort of federal mandate to be more flattering.
29. 46 is a big number...Who's bright idea was this, anyway?
30. Life doesn't start making any sort of sense until your 30's. Do the best you can until then.
31. Reading really is fundamental. Everything is harder without good reading skills. Plus, loving to read means you'll never be bored.
32. Never have more children than you have car windows. (Thank you, Erma Bombeck!)
33. Either you can drive in the snow or you cannot. Find out which it is and act accordingly.
34. Children can sense your weaknesses, so it's best to confess them up front, i.e.: "I don't really know where plastic comes from and I'm scared of driving in the snow."
35. Don't bother lying about your age. Your appearance is what it is--attaching a lower number to it won't change anything.
36. Always try to listen to the other side of issue with an open mind. Even if it turns out to be bat-shit crazy, at least you'll know what you're dealing with.
37. Cleanliness is overrated. As long as your house is clean enough to ward off illness, the rest is just cosmetic.
38. Do not be afraid to say no--to your children, your spouse, your friends and family. Sometimes it should be all about you.
39. Get to know your neighbors. Again, even if they're crazy, this would be good information to have.
40. The world is a great big place with lots of different kind of people--get out into it whenever you can.
41. Mud puddles are underrated.
42. Celebrate occasions--your birthday, the 1st day of school, St Patrick's Day. The rest of the year can be business as usual, your birthday should be special.
43. Young children and old people are the most fun to hang out with. They have no hidden agenda, nothing to prove and just enjoy life as it comes. Spend some time with them whenever possible.
44. Politicians come and go. You really should keep friends and family around for more than four years.
45. Pretty much anything in life can be funny, if you look at it just right...and squint your eyes and tilt your head just so...(See there? It's funny, isn't it?)
46. List of things learned are overrated. I'm just making this stuff up.
Phew! We all made it! You did read all of them, didn't you? Don't skip #20 or #33, they're important! That's okay, I'll wait while you go back.................................................................
Alright, thanks for getting through them all with me. We'll just have to wait and see what year #47 teaches me. (I hope it's not calculus.)