Saturday, May 10, 2014

Not Your Hallmark Kind of Mother's Day

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and once again I have forgotten to send my mom anything.  I knew it was coming up by the crowds of people in front of the card section, but to be honest I'm not all that impressed with the selection available.  "You are the best mom ever" (Really, the "best"?  What about that time she forgot you in the grocery store?)  "Everything I am, I owe to you."  (Does the name Dad ring a bell?  Or are we saving his share in this for Father's Day?)  "Today is your day, so take it easy!" (After you wash my soccer uniform and make dinner, I mean.)  I guess I'm just not a Hallmark kind of daughter.

For the most part I try to make Mom a card on my computer--a cute picture of the kids and a "Happy Mother's Day" is usually enough, but getting my teens to pose for a picture together is like asking them to donate a kidney.  So I put it off and put it off, and here I am with no card waiting to greet Mom on Sunday morning.

Ugh, I am a lazy and forgetful daughter. Luckily I inherited my mother's creative gene, so I came up with a couple of Mother's Day cards that won't show up in any Hallmark store (possibly because no one would buy them.)

  Sorry about that episiotomy…

  I guess I didn’t come out like you’d planned.

Too much?  How about a more traditional approach?

A Mother’s Love…

…is hard to summon up when the kids are on vacation, they’re all fighting, it’s 90 degrees with no air conditioning and Dad won’t be home for another three hours.

Or my favorite:

  M is for the many times we made you scream.
  O is for the one time I vomited on you.
  T is for the tantrums I threw, silently, standing in the hallway, which you pointedly ignored.
  H is for the headache you had all summer (that miraculously disappeared when school started).
  E is for everything bad I did and didn’t tell you about.
  R is for revenge in the form of your grandkids that are    just as troublesome as I was.

Well, Happy Mother's Day, Mom!  I may not be your most devoted child, but I bet Mike didn't use "vomit" in his card.